That’s right. A couple thousand words on month ranking.
12.) AUGUST- Easily the worst month of the year. There are no major holidays to speak of and Every day is 100 degrees. Taking a shower almost seems pointless, because you will need another one as soon as you get to your car. I know what you thinking. Your thinking "George, if it's that hot outside, why even leave the house? just stay inside." Well, what else are you going to do?? Stay inside and watch TV? Well have fun watching garbage. The fall shows won't start for another month, and all the b-rate summer shows that wouldn't hold muster in the fall have worn your entertainment patience down to a nub. Such shows were mildly entertaining in June, by August you don't care how Dennis Leary is going to fuck his life up this week, and you're just ready for Lost to start up again. As a Rangers fan, the baseball season ended two months ago. The only the thing the sports world has to offer is Preseason Football. August baseball and preseason football, the two most tiring processes in sports. Even as a kid, when summer was the best time of year, August is a beating. It was just a miserable countdown to another school year. It's worth repeating, everyday is at least 100 degrees.
11.)JUNE- June is only a milder version of August. It's hot, and still no holidays worth talking about, unless you count juneteenth, which I don't. The summer shows are starting to wear on you, and the rangers are 10 games behind first place, if not ten games under .500. The NBA finals are usually in June, but when has that ever been good for a Mavs fan? My anniversary is in June, but is yours? Not likely, and what good would this be for you if I didn't keep you in mind.
10.) JULY-Wrapping up the unholy trio of summer is the relatively enjoyable month of July. Really the only difference between this month and June is the 4th. Hot dogs, Beer, fireworks, enough said. The NBA and NHL(I think it still counts as a major sport) seasons are over. All you have left is baseball, and once again, the rangers are all but done.
9.) MAY- The weather is a little warm for my taste, but very manageable. Baseball hopes are still alive, and everyone goes retarded this time of year and gets excited about summer. NBA playoffs are in full force, and the past few years(with the exception of last year) the Mavericks are in full force as well. Schools usually out for summer, who doesn't like that? It's also a great month for Mexicans! Yes, of the 5th of May we all pretend like we're Mexicans by getting really drunk and eating more Mexican food than we should. And Don't forget, all your favorite T.V.'s shows usually finale in May.
8.) MARCH- Goodbye ridiculously cold February, and hello not-as-cold March. A little known fact about March, March Madness is in March, everyone has a bracket, and all that work you put into being a sports fanatic pay off, and by pay off, I mean you cry a little inside as you watch your mother's bracket finish in first, you finished eighth. We celebrate the life of Saint Patrick by drinking so much they have to change the phrase "Blood-Alcohol Level" to "Alcohol-Blood Level", and the Ranger are always tied for first place. Other than Lent, March has very little to speak ill of.
7.) APRIL- Ah, spring. Except for the rain, the weather has finally warmed up to enjoyable. Baseball's opening day is in April, As well as NFL draft. The NBA regular season wraps up, leaving 16 teams hopeful in the playoffs. As for the NHL……..do you care? Me neither. Easter is in April, the second greatest candy eating day of the year. Yes, April is a very pleasant month indeed. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Wasn't Hitler born in April?" Yes, he was, but he also died in April, so it all evens out.
6.) NOVEMBER- The biggest eating day of the year is in November, what more do you want? Football is in full force, especially in College, whose season is wrapping up, and the bowl picture takes form. Baseball is over, but you still got NBA, and I think they still play hockey. The weather is nice and crisp, in fact, one could say it's the best weather month in Texas. I, however, think it's October. Are you looking for a day where you can eat three portions of food (including half a pie) and not have people think you a revolting fatass? Well, your best bet is in November. For those of you who do not know which day I am talking about, well, you're a retard. One last thing about November, Christmas really does start the day after Thanksgiving, and any month with some Christmas in it is already off to a good start.
5.) JANUARY- New Year's day kicks off this Christmas hangover month, and everyone can relax and enjoy the crisp winter days and the, well, other things. I will admit there is not exactly a king's ransom of pros in this month, but if you look around, there aren't many cons either. If your anything like me, the entire life of your new year's resolution exists entirely in January. So, this is the one month a year where you work out, stop masturbating so much, quit heroin, whatever it is you say you won't do anymore. Are you a football fan? Well the cream of the bowl season crop rises in the month of January and who can forget the NFL playoffs. Are you a basketball fan? The basketball season is in full force as well. Are you a Hockey fan? I don't really care.
4.) FEBUARY- Just because this little dandy is the shortest month of the year, doesn't mean it's the worst. No, it is jammed pack full of enough pointless holidays to make it the ninth worst month of the year. Want to know how many weeks there are left in winter, well, you just have to wait until the second day of the year, when the country looks to the small town of Punxsutawney, Pa, and watches a groundhog get yanked out of its hole so it can magically tell us if it saw its shadow. If you don't want to do that, you can just look at a calendar.
Here's a quick astronomy lesson for you. The earth revolves around the sun every 365.25 days, which makes a year. That being said, every fourth year, we need to cram an extra day somewhere in the calendar. February was up to the challenge of taking an extra day a year, when no other month would. Those years are called leap years, and the 29th day of February is called leap day.
I'll tell you a little secret about leap days. People born on a leap days are actually retarded. They will say things like "I am six years old today!", you should reply "You, sir, are mistaken. You are 24 years old. What you meant to say is that your math skills are at a six years old level. Now, finish sacking my groceries."
George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King were all born in February. Also born in February; Michael Bolton, Pauly Shore, And Big-Bad-Bobby Brown. Valentine's day is in February, that's enough of that. And last but not Least, did you know that black people have history? They don't have a whole months worth, but they do have just enough for February.
3.) NOVEMBER- Sisqo, RuPaul, Bjork, Yanni, Sinbad, and Nelly. They all have one name, all born in November. This doesn’t necessarily help November in being a great month. It’s important for you to know that November is the one name month, so if you birth a child in November, make sure it’s a off the wall name. If you name you baby something normal, like Greg or John, he would have to be pretty damned important to earn one name status on that. He would have to compete against all the John’s that ever lived. If you give it a terrible name, like Hipro or Waxabee, than he basically earned one name status the day he was born.
“What are you doing tonight?”
“I am seeing a movie with Waxabee.”
“I thought Waxabee was bed ridden with a brain bleed.”
“Your thinking of Waxabee Harris. I am going out with Waxabee McDurmont.”
See. That conversation would never happen.
Back to basics, the weather in November is pretty kick ass. Football is in full force and the only holiday worth mentioning in the month is the annual celebration of our dominant victory over the Native Americans. It’s the best eating holiday of the ear, beating out Super Bowl Sunday, and you don’t have to do anything except show up and deal with family, unless you’re a woman, but women like cooking. See, it’s a great holiday for you too, ladies. If you’re like me, you try to get your Christmas shopping done in November, which can be fun. If you’re like you, you’ll do it in December, which is not fun. Get on board people.
2.) OCTOBER- How could playoff baseball and football be in the same month and suck? That’s right, it couldn’t. October is a great Tivo month. Every channel runs a bunch of horror all month long, so you can remind yourself how bad pumpkin head was. I’m too old for trick or treating, so that sucks, but I did get to dress up a toddler for the past two years. Can a one year old eat a snicker? Of course not, in my mouth you got. You see what I’m getting at? If you want free candy this best way to go about it is have kids.
October is the official month of some awesome, awesome things. I’ll give a list, you tell me which ones suck.
-Auto Battery Safety
Ok maybe, maybe eye injuries aren’t a good thing. Who comes up with eye injury awareness month? I have a picture in my head of a crazy southern congressman with an eye patch telling a grisly tale of the worst car battery accident of all time. He also loves caramel, sarcastically, of course.
1.)DECEMBER- Ah, yes. The greatest month of the year. Everyone loves Christmas, except the Jews, but they have a holiday in December as well, except it’s not as big a deal as the birth of Christ, and it isn’t necessarily in December. African Americans celebrate a cultural holiday in December as well. It’s called Christmas. In the mid nineties, however, they pretended to celebrate Kwanza. What is Kwanza you may ask? Well, keep asking, nobody’s listening.
Other festive things to keep in mind in December are such memorable events as the Boston Tea Party, Rosa Parks getting arrested for bus related shenanigans, and Pearl Harbor. You know, all the cheerful parts of history.
You get two weeks of school, the longest break this side of summer, which is awesome when you’re a kid. As an adult, I would rather them be in school, they ruin movies. The NFL season wraps up, making way for the playoffs and all the bowl games that no one cares about with the exception of Middle Tennessee State alumnus and compulsive gamblers.
You think that I wouldn’t be able to talk about December unless I talked about the joy of spending time with your family and what not, yet here we are.